I have no idea where to even start.
Your getting older, again 52 isn’t that old but when it comes to leaving the job its nearly there.
When I worked out you were 50 I was scared because you were only a year older than my dad when he died.
People say you can get attached to people, I don’t.
I get attached to Animals instead.
When I found out James L’s plan I was beyond angry because I let myself believe this shrink cared… Julia was the only one and still is, she forced me to see the world how it really is and I get that.
Part of me hated you too but then apart of me cared and I have no idea why.
I’ve seen too many people walk out or die to want to care about people as they could be next….
This is absolutely crap!! 5 months!? Whatever!
Anyway, I have no idea what the future holds in my treatment and that scares me.
I watch Misty sleep on my bed, every so often she changes positions yet she is comfortable… I wonder why I could never be that relaxed then it hits me because my life is not that easy.
Maybe we need each other to survive, maybe Misty is my future.
I just want some control in my life, I can’t seem to get that in where my therapy is and its like
‘Will this break me more!?‘
They say along as your comfortable with the Therapist it shouldn’t matter where the building is – Wrong! For me both matter.
I can’t live my life in fear but also the uncertainty of what is expected to happen.
I took my eye of the ball and my dad, granddad and Chester died… Can’t let Patsy or my mum go the same way.
I may not love either of them or like them sometimes but I care, care too much – maybe!
I have to protect or face more heartache with my future.
I need that control. I have to have it!
That building scares me, one step away from the wards. I don’t want to be that close. I can’t be that close.
The CMHT is worst. The spies are based there. They are always angry there. Where is the happy people.
“Deep down if I can’t have Alymer, it has to be the hospital but the thought of it makes me feel physically ill. Close my eyes and I can still here the screams and people being Restrained. I make wishes that I’d wake up and it was a nightmare, I was IP with all that. Question myself, am I really ill enough for IP, can’t be!”