Why bother anymore *PTW*

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2 weeks ago I found out the road to work will be closed for 6 weeks (affecting my travel!)

I was told over the phone it won’t affect me but today I discovered that in 2 weeks time it WILL for 6 weeks!!!

Try and explain that is causing more stress to the added stress I’m already under to my care co only to be told I’m being melodramatic and it will be fine… its okay for her, she drives!

Tried explaining to my mum that if she drove to the end of the bus route and then helped me back on the bus home – I’d know where I’m going! What help she was, doesnt have a clue how to get to the airport!

Why bother anymore, what’s even the point!

I was battling with not taking another Attempt but now I want to so bad!!

I’m sick of this!

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I’m sick and tired of mental health admin making me feel like I’m a condition in a category!

I AM a human being!!!

Even if I did move into ‘your’ space/building I have my reasons and if my care co understands it then that’s all that matters!!

After all she is the one who agreed it with me. 

After the way I feel and have been treated by the CMHT and that I have to gain a bus travel and sometimes even that bus runs late (which in turn doesnt help the appointment!) I’m not going to go somewhere where its not safe and I’m not comfortable being.

If I had my way then I’d refuse to move until they listened to the patients!

The lack of sleep doesnt help… stress of this isn’t making it easier.

GP refused for a 3rd time to give me a prescription of sleepers. They took them of me in February, found out in April and ever since nobody can tell me who did that and why!

Now I’m lucky if I get more sleep (I can function on 5!) barely get 3 hours and I awake up wishing I was dead.

I don’t like my life.

I don’t like my stress levels this high.

I don’t like feeling out of control.

I don’t like my own existence.

A couple of things I’ve done right in the past 3 years:

  • Adopting Misty, the cat who claimed me first.
  • Therapy with P. We have had ups and downs, she has annoyed me, made me angry and she has made me cry. It’s been hard but then who said it would be easy. Therapy is best described as a Rollercoaster. But she’s learning where my limits are and how far I will go to die if I was suicidal.

Like I told Steph last week, Steph isn’t a threat to me so I don’t have any intention to want a copy of any notes she writes, like wise with P. P only writes what I tell her, she would get into trouble if she made it up too.

P can’t get me commited and so I trust that she won’t ever have a hand in it either. She knows what that has been like for me in the past and knows how I feel.

I need sleep to even want to function as its all broken and I can’t see what the next hour holds like this and that scares me.

What is the point!?

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Maybe triggering for some…..

All my care co cares about is not getting me some medication!

I’m at my tipping point and if pushed further will end up ending my life! (If it lets me!!!)

You have pushed me,

I have no idea of my own DNA identity. 

I have no idea who I’m even under with regards to the psych. 

I have no idea why they expect all patients to be happy to move to that hospital (I was traumatized there!!)

I have no idea if my therapy slot will stay the same time and day each session. – I can’t pick and choose on Thursday!

All this uncertainty isn’t helping me. I have no idea what I even think as they are going 120 seconds a minute through my head.

One thing is for sure I have to make it all stop!

I need to breathe and feel free!

The ideas of funerals scares me but I already have my planned out.

I will get my clear mind, just my way.

Only you count. 

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I have no idea where to even start.

Your getting older, again 52 isn’t that old but when it comes to leaving the job its nearly there.

When I worked out you were 50 I was scared because you were only a year older than my dad when he died.

People say you can get attached to people, I don’t.
I get attached to Animals instead.

When I found out James L’s plan I was beyond angry because I let myself believe this shrink cared… Julia was the only one and still is, she forced me to see the world how it really is and I get that. 

Part of me hated you too but then apart of me cared and I have no idea why.

I’ve seen too many people walk out or die to want to care about people as they could be next….

This is absolutely crap!! 5 months!? Whatever!

Anyway, I have no idea what the future holds in my treatment and that scares me. 

I watch Misty sleep on my bed, every so often she changes positions yet she is comfortable… I wonder why I could never be that relaxed then it hits me because my life is not that easy.

Maybe we need each other to survive, maybe Misty is my future.

I just want some control in my life, I can’t seem to get that in where my therapy is and its like 

Will this break me more!?

They say along as your comfortable with the Therapist it shouldn’t matter where the building is – Wrong! For me both matter.

I can’t live my life in fear but also the uncertainty of what is expected to happen.

I took my eye of the ball and my dad, granddad and Chester died… Can’t let Patsy or my mum go the same way.

I may not love either of them or like them sometimes but I care, care too much – maybe!

I have to protect or face more heartache with my future.

I need that control. I have to have it!

That building scares me, one step away from the wards. I don’t want to be that close. I can’t be that close.

BUT

The CMHT is worst. The spies are based there. They are always angry there. Where is the happy people.

“Deep down if I can’t have Alymer, it has to be the hospital but the thought of it makes me feel physically ill. Close my eyes and I can still here the screams and people being Restrained. I make wishes that I’d wake up and it was a nightmare, I was IP with all that. Question myself, am I really ill enough for IP, can’t be!”

He wants me dead ***PTW

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Maybe being dead would make it easier for me.

A will hate me anyway for getting him sacked even if P says he deserved it and I shouldn’t be feeling guilty…

Okay I saved others from him but nobody protected me.

Then my care co kind of wanted to protect me with her care last week… I didn’t see it at first until now, she has my back I guess!

Feeling guilty makes the voices happy. Edward just sits there and laughs because he hates me.

Would dying be a solution!?

I have no idea. 

Right now I have no idea what I want.

Life for me right now is horrible. Its like a book and you read a chapter and hope the next one you turn to is better… NEVER is.

My care co backed me with the benefit claim, even though I was convinced she had screwed it up for me after they requested a f2f (face to face) from me.

Last week I hated my care co for escorting me to the emergency department… it was my fault but I didn’t want to see it.

I wanted to die, still do (today)

I can’t change my thoughts just like that – they aren’t a switch. 

Trying to decide where I seek Therapy is hard because both building bring there own concerns and thoughts with feeling. 

  • Having it at LB means thin walls with a box and no windows.
  • Having it at DC is the hospital whom traumatized me while admitted.

These choices are hard. As I’m wondering whether it would just be easier to accept DC againist my better judgement and traumatized body.

I guess I could say I’ll try it for up to one Month then it will have to be LB…

At least I’d tried again as I feel bad for making P reschedule her diary and days to fit in for me!

Making a decision for September.

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This is hardest I could face in terms of Therapy. 

Accept that it going to be back at that hospital or look for other options…

I know she goes to LB on a Thursday, I could never do that day as I’m busy caring for animals with work.

I know she goes to RL but I’d need to see how often that was to ask for it to be there. 

As AH won’t be an option in 8 weeks time for me. 

If LB is my only choice and there was a slot then I’d either have to give up the animals or Therapy as I’d not be able to do both.

This has to be Karma, I got a man sacked so he ruins my life…. eye for an eye. 

When Sandra told me it was all set in stone and it doesn’t matter what I say, I wanted to die.

Unless you’ve been through trauma at a hospital you wouldn’t understand

My whole world is falling apart.

Way I see it animals or therapy!!!?